Deciding how to keep sharing my heart on this, how to be transparent without sounding like a know-it-all, how to be bravely vulnerable without simplifying a very complex healing process, has been hard. It’s wayyyy easier for me to just show photos of pretty flowers we grow at Triple Wren and hide behind them!! Before I posted the last blog, I’d written out my story and was ready to post it all, but I am also praying fiercely through the process for God to help me share what He wants me to, and my heart was simply not at peace until today to post about how essential REST was and continues to be for my health. 

Perhaps it’s pride, perhaps it’s my driven, achieving personality, but I. Love. To. Work. If I’m not careful, I can LIVE to work. And…. I honestly don’t love to play very much. When you’re starting a business from scratch, especially one that challenges your mind AND body like farming does, there’s plenty of work to satisfy that drive, and then some.

The struggle-curse Adam was given in the fall is still alive and well, friends! It’s the epic challenge of cultivating the earth knowing you never actually can completely subdue its wildness, only hoping to tame it for a bit and turn its power towards producing beauty and order that captures my attention. It’s the most exhilarating and satisfying challenge I’ve ever faced, and our farming adventure has been FUN and FABULOUS. 

But… it also almost killed me. I was addicted to the work, ignoring the rest-times that are essential for a thriving life. 

I have so much to say about this, and every day this coming week I intend to share here one aspect of what I am still learning about rest. It needs to be intentional, complete/wholehearted, fun, “layered,” significant. 

But first let me ask: Are you addicted to your work, loving it too much? Or are you work-weary, hungry for a way out but feeling stuck in your enterprises? 
How do YOU rest? 

I have specific application to share in the coming days, but let me leave you today with this exquisite truth. Jesus says in Matthew 11, (and this is no over-simplification, dear friends) “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

In 2016, I had the hardest year of my life, to this point. It was our 5th year of farming, in a largely hands-in-the-dirt, non-mechanized, farm start-up-in-a-fallow-field kind of environment. We had experienced meteoric growth in our farm business, and had said yes, yes, yes to every new opportunity and sacrificed sleep and self-care in spades to keep growing. We were literally ALL in. 

We reached the point where we bought our own (distressed, fallow, broken-infrastructure, unlivable) farm in January, 2016, and embarked on a season of rebuilding the farmhouse, moving our family, our perennials, farm equipment and animals while still operating and expanding our farm business. It was, to put it mildly, a LOT. Throw in two separate failed business partner relationships that summer, homeschooling, trying to insulate our kids from the relocation stress, increasing health issues for me (because, duh! I was falling apart from all the stress!), and my crushing, unhealthy #type3 compulsion to project/pretend to everyone that it was ALL OK, and you have the perfect ingredients for a major implosion. And that’s exactly what happened. 

Have you ever gotten sick on a well-deserved and long-awaited vacation, or reached a milestone you sacrificed and worked desperately hard for only to “fall apart” physically? When we were finally all moved away to the new farm, and the first frost came, and the busy pace of the season turned to the calmer pace of fall clean up, when we were still camping beside our in-progress remodel but at least we were all in one spot, and we had established new markets and had an awesome plan for the next season, when everything started to feel handle-able again… I fell apart. I had no ability to control my racing thoughts. Daily I could. not. breathe. and would find myself curled into a corner trying to pull myself together. I developed a rash on my torso and did all kinds of allergy skin testing with a dermatologist, had heart arrhythmias so bad that I went to a cardiologist and wore a monitor for weeks while they tried to figure out what was wrong. 

I could not sleep because of the itching. I couldn’t work hard because of my heart feeling like it would burst out of my chest. I spent more and more of each day in bed (when I wasn’t homeschooling), and even when we moved into our fresh, new home I couldn’t make myself “nest” or unpack. Everything looked impossible and bleak and I was at the end of myself. I even began to question my faith in God, which had always been a very significant part of my life.
Have you been there, friend? At the end of yourself? I’ve read enough now, and talked with enough blessedly transparent women that I know I’m not unique. But in those moments, I felt so entirely alone. Today, before I even share how I by grace walked out of that pit, I just want to tell you: you are not alone. Others have walked a similarly dark road. I have walked it, and maybe my story can encourage you.

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit… He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.”

{Photo by @kianalindsey}

The fact that Jesus reconciles me to God means that I’m valuable to him. He loves me, and cares enough for me to pay for my sin! So WHY— on a morning like today when home school feels like a mountain, my photoshop won’t talk to images shot on my phone, the rain keeps falling (yes that’s an @andrewpetersonmusic reference plus it’s really pouring here at the farm), and I feel completely unproductive despite my best efforts —- WHY do I feel worthless?!

Do I really believe my worth is measured by my productivity? Well, honestly I’ve lived most of my life as if that were true. And I’ve asked God to forgive me and I’m working hard to make practical changes in my life and retraining my thought processes so that I stop it. But, those old lies and habits easily creep back in.

So this morning I’m calling it – no more valuing my worth based on my accomplishments today. Jesus paid it all for me, and I’ll choose to rejoice in my Redeemer, my Reconciler, moment by moment.

Friend, are you falling into the same trap as me today? Focus on what you know to be true, minute by minute, and breathe a sigh of relief at the freedom it brings!

My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross

I rejoice in my Redeemer
Greatest Treasure,
Wellspring of my soul
I will trust in Him, no other.

My soul is satisfied in Him alone.
As summer flowers we fade and die
Fame, youth and beauty hurry by
But life eternal calls to us
At the cross

I will not boast in wealth or might
Or human wisdom’s fleeting light
But I will boast in knowing Christ
At the cross

Two wonders here that I confess
My worth and my unworthiness
My value fixed – my ransom paid
At the cross

{Songwriters: Graham Kendrick / Keith Getty / Kristyn Getty; Photo by @pearlphotographybyelena}

Romans 5:11 …. We also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Reconciliation is such a powerful concept. When I find my math mistake and reconcile the last few dollars in my bank account after neglecting it for a while, it’s satisfying! When I ask forgiveness after wronging a friend or family member, my heart floods with relief (especially if I’ve been putting it off). But dwarfing these examples is the ultimate reconciliation, the one Jesus provides for me. He made the way for me to stop being separated from God! He paid for my sin, healed my relationship, opened the door to true, meaningful, JOYFUL reconciliation. I’m eternally grateful!

I’m so thankful for this little light who follows me on my flower adventures, gives unreservedly, delights in the joy of life, creates with abandon, and has eyes for everything beautiful.

Thank you Jesus for giving me two precious children to serve and love. May they learn to love you more than anything else, and may I model that kind of love for you for them!

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

God’s power is boundless: “He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names…. He covers the heavens with clouds;
he prepares rain for the earth;
he makes grass grow on the hills…. He gives snow like wool; he scatters frost like ashes. 
He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs;
who can stand before his cold?” (Psalm 147:4, 8, 16-17)

And still he cares for me. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

This week alone, I’ve had to rehearse the deep truths of God’s love over and over again. Jesus does not love me because I’m beautiful or organized or productive. He doesn’t love me because I’m talented or successful. He doesn’t even love me because I’m obedient or zealous. He just loves me. The depths of this are a rich feast that I keep diving deeper into as I study the Bible. I don’t pretend to completely understand it, but I do believe it. 
Jesus loves me. And the only reason I love him back is because he loved me first.

I don’t merit his love or hold onto it because I’m worthy. (Ephesians 2:8) The truth is actually that I’m not worthy, I’m not enough. I’m broken. Broken and brokenhearted, wounded, diseased, and unlovely. BUT JESUS welcomes me anyway. He loves me and covers my brokenness and sinfulness so God accepts me, and THAT is amazing and beautiful.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 
Romans 5:1-2

Hello, friends! I’m still here… just busy-beeing my way through the most intense part of the year at the farm. I’m working hard to walk and grow in grace, just like I trust you are in your unique world, weathering the demanding (though insanely beautiful) days.

I’m praying that we all will share TRUE beauty, practically *and* spiritually in this back-to-school, end-of-summer, tradition-filled yet fraught-with-too-many-changes season.

Luke 16:10a One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much.

So often for me it’s the “very little” things that get to me. The little bit of extra whining, the little bit extra lack of sleep, the verrrry little bit of peaceful quiet time that is incredibly elusive some days…. but I’m still supposed to be faithful in the little things. The small details matter. The small reactions count. The small decisions add up.

Much of what my hands are called to do feels so temporary these days. Somehow, grass grows back, as do weeds. Beautiful arrangements fade and need to be replaced. Empty tummies need refilling so quickly! Clean laundry doesn’t stay that way for long. Do you feel it too? Does your heart long to work on something enduring and eternal? I’ve been meditating on how eternal the beauty of God is. It may be a few days before I come back to this space but I’d encourage you to do the same. As our hands fly with necessary busy-ness, our words and the tempo of unhurried living and our attitudes can build an eternally valuable character of peaceful beauty in our families and community!

I Corinthians 2:7-10 But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. But, as it is written,
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.

Paul asked God to take away his personal troubles, and this was the answer he got:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

And Paul’s response was: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” II Corinthians 12:9-10

I wish this was a truth I too could wholeheartedly and honestly express, but really, I still have a whole lot of growing to do.

In the meantime, I’m focusing on doing the next best thing, the next right thing. I’m focusing on growing in grace, learning more about who I am (how God made me) and what that means (what does his Word say about what I should be doing?). I’m building relationships in a community of like-hearted neighbors who want to find out more about these same things. And when disappointing, hard answers come, when I’m face to face with my sin and humanity? I’m fighting to remember what’s true: when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have a book of meaningful quotations and special Scriptures that I’ve kept since I was a girl, and this quote is one of the earliest I carefully wrote down. I remember sitting in my bedroom and thinking of all the ways kindness could be shown and received, and still I’m preoccupied with the concept.

Proverbs 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness
will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Too often I’ve been distracted with busy activity and goal-reaching, more concerned with finishing responsibilities than considering the best ways to show kindness. It’s safe to say, I don’t regret any times I’ve been faithful to be kind.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

How can you show kindness today, to your children, your spouse, the grocery clerk, your co-worker? 💡 Kindness includes telling the truth. It includes selflessness, gentleness, and generosity. True friendship is filled with kindness and affection. Kindness is being considerate.

Titus 3:4-6
But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior.